Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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