I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
