Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
