Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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