i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
