Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
