Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
