He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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