I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
