we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
