Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
