I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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