You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
