There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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