Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
