dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
