The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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