someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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