just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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