im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
