why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
