Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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