guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
