it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He kissed a someone with a penis
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
