the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
