You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize