so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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