I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
