just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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