Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
