I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
