I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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