He uses pillows to masturbate.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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