Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
