Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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