and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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