you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
