Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
