I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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