Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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