OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As shirtless as possible
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
