i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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