if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
