Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
