some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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