someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
