is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
