Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
