I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
