Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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