Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
