The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
