I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
