Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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