I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
