Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I still have a little drunk in my system
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
