How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
