Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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