If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You are the jesus of drinking
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
