How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
