Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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