mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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