Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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