You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
