the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
