If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
